1-25-2013

7-1-11

"...This afternoon M___, a gentleman in his early fifties, came in to buy his weekly yogurt. We have talked on many occasions before and I like him because he is passionate about the importance of good boots and gave up fishing because it upset his conscience. He loves walking and the solitariness of Bald Mountain. He told me he was sad I was leaving. I replied that there would always be wonderful people behind the counter at L____, but he shook his head saying I was the best there'd been. I was flattered. Then he told me that if he were younger and I were single he'd have "been all over me," but unfortunately that was "not how the world had turned out." Again I was flattered, and not knowing what else to say, said as much. I wanted to leave the store and spend the afternoon tramping with him, learning about his history, what brought him joy about nature, what his philosophies about life were."

Today I learned that M___ had passed away. His final minutes were spent on Bald Mountain. I should have taken the initiative. I should have suggested we hike there together. I should have replied to his last email. I try and comfort myself with the fact that it was summer, and I was working 77 hour weeks, but damn it! I didn't reply. "Dear Sarah, I desperately wanted to come up and see you this weekend, but fate had other plans for me." I didn't reply. "Please take good care of yourself until I can come up and see you again. M___." I didn't reply. I never did see him again and I ache with wishing things were otherwise. For they could have been otherwise; I know they could; I could have made them otherwise.

Everywhere we tread we leave a trace, nor can we breathe without disturbing the universe. To exist is to bear a responsibility beyond reckoning. How have I treated life so blithely? How have I failed to see the gravity of my most trivial actions? How have I misunderstood the importance of every "hello" I've ever uttered, every footfall I've ever in snow imprinted, every word, every gesture, every move? Listen! We are alive and everything we do is of uttermost importance in the grand scheme of things; every action has not just an equal and opposite reaction, but chains of actions and reactions stemming out into the horizon of the future until, at some point, the entire universe is altered by the way we put on our socks. Everything matters; everything matters to the severest degree. Everything!